Filling in the Blanks and a Peek at Dealing with Postpartum Depression
I took way too long of a break writing. I can fill you in with what happened during the two year span though. Maybe it can count as an excuse.
So in October 2016 we decided to try to conceive. It worked. I was an emotional wreck the first month or so, and was also easily irritated. I called my mom a lot to talk about my feelings and ended up just bawling into the phone. She's an awesome mom! I was also very tired and was still working at the dental office as an assistant. I wanted to work through the whole pregnancy but ended up leaving at the beginning of June 2017. I was walking from 15,000 to 20,000 steps a day and I was empty of energy each night. So I had a whole month to myself before my son would be due. It was very freeing but also weird to get adjusted too. I am always on the move and I often need to be doing something so I had made myself feel pretty awful at times for having nothing specific to do. The best part was taking time to read God's word.
July 18, my son finally came into the world. This was a Tuesday and we had gone into the hospital the Sunday before. It was a long process. Oh, labor!
When I held him, I just kept saying things like, "this isn't real is it?" You can't prepare yourself enough for the wonderful and beautiful new life that comes into this world.
I couldn't nurse him at all. I thought we had it right when we left the hospital but we hadn't. He had lost like 11% of his birth weight when we went to his first check up. I was so depressed and felt like I was already failing him so much. We were recommended to supplement with formula and continue trying to breastfeed. My milk finally came in days later and with help from women in my church and my mom we figured out the breastfeeding thing. He chunked up really fast and has been a big baby and toddler ever since.
The thought of failure never went away though. I guess many parents face this. I wanted to be everything for him. I developed anxiety and depression but didn't realize it.
I worried that I was burdening my family when they held my baby at times that I could have held him. It was such a strange thought because they loved children and they always enjoy babies. I would take him back often. I felt guilty about letting them watch him for a while too.
My husband decided to take a second job a few months after he born to add to our income. He was gone from 6:30 am- 11:30pm two days a week. Those two days I was so fearful to be all alone with a few month old child. He stayed up till 11pm most nights for some reason too. I was so afraid that we had people hiding in the bedroom closets or in the bathtub. We were in an apartment building at that time and every noise was over analyzed. I'm was used to noise that came from a large family so being without even another human being felt like torture. To add to it all my son hated car rides and screamed the entire time. I made myself feel trapped like it was impossible to go anywhere.
Things started getting a bit cheerier when we decided to move a block or so down to a small house with a beautiful yard. I had something to occupy my time (packing and organizing!) and we would have more space! This was in November. My husband quit his second job soon after we moved in.
But nothing changed, I was still fearful and anxious. We had more windows and more closets and I felt like we were in a new neighborhood, even though that part didn't change. I was having irrational thoughts that someone would wait all day to kill me in my bedroom. I started having terrible nightmares and feared me or my son would be hurt by someone. I was also very clingy with my husband and wanted to be hugged constantly. He couldn't take it away though.
I prayed for peace and searched God's word for encouragement.
I called my mom, while my son was sleeping, and immediately poured out my heart to her, along with buckets of tears. She helped me see that I likely had postpartum depression and kindly prayed with me and said she'd go the doctors with me. I went that week and was pleasantly understood and helped with kind words, prayers, and a prescription for an anxiety medication. (I love my family doctor!) I took the medication for 8 months.
I could laugh again! I hadn't realized that I had stifled happiness so much. My bad dreams went away and my home no longer felt like the stage of a horror film. I praise God for helping me through. I'm also thankful I went through it. It opened my eyes to what people with depression deal with every single day. It's okay to be scared sometimes, but I don't need to be scared. I have a wonderful in-measurable God who is constantly there for me.
The last verse of "Great is Thy Faithfulness," has been an awesome comfort to me. We memorized this hymn in school, which I'm very thankful for.
"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!"
Rachel
So in October 2016 we decided to try to conceive. It worked. I was an emotional wreck the first month or so, and was also easily irritated. I called my mom a lot to talk about my feelings and ended up just bawling into the phone. She's an awesome mom! I was also very tired and was still working at the dental office as an assistant. I wanted to work through the whole pregnancy but ended up leaving at the beginning of June 2017. I was walking from 15,000 to 20,000 steps a day and I was empty of energy each night. So I had a whole month to myself before my son would be due. It was very freeing but also weird to get adjusted too. I am always on the move and I often need to be doing something so I had made myself feel pretty awful at times for having nothing specific to do. The best part was taking time to read God's word.
July 18, my son finally came into the world. This was a Tuesday and we had gone into the hospital the Sunday before. It was a long process. Oh, labor!
When I held him, I just kept saying things like, "this isn't real is it?" You can't prepare yourself enough for the wonderful and beautiful new life that comes into this world.
I couldn't nurse him at all. I thought we had it right when we left the hospital but we hadn't. He had lost like 11% of his birth weight when we went to his first check up. I was so depressed and felt like I was already failing him so much. We were recommended to supplement with formula and continue trying to breastfeed. My milk finally came in days later and with help from women in my church and my mom we figured out the breastfeeding thing. He chunked up really fast and has been a big baby and toddler ever since.
The thought of failure never went away though. I guess many parents face this. I wanted to be everything for him. I developed anxiety and depression but didn't realize it.
I worried that I was burdening my family when they held my baby at times that I could have held him. It was such a strange thought because they loved children and they always enjoy babies. I would take him back often. I felt guilty about letting them watch him for a while too.
My husband decided to take a second job a few months after he born to add to our income. He was gone from 6:30 am- 11:30pm two days a week. Those two days I was so fearful to be all alone with a few month old child. He stayed up till 11pm most nights for some reason too. I was so afraid that we had people hiding in the bedroom closets or in the bathtub. We were in an apartment building at that time and every noise was over analyzed. I'm was used to noise that came from a large family so being without even another human being felt like torture. To add to it all my son hated car rides and screamed the entire time. I made myself feel trapped like it was impossible to go anywhere.
Things started getting a bit cheerier when we decided to move a block or so down to a small house with a beautiful yard. I had something to occupy my time (packing and organizing!) and we would have more space! This was in November. My husband quit his second job soon after we moved in.
But nothing changed, I was still fearful and anxious. We had more windows and more closets and I felt like we were in a new neighborhood, even though that part didn't change. I was having irrational thoughts that someone would wait all day to kill me in my bedroom. I started having terrible nightmares and feared me or my son would be hurt by someone. I was also very clingy with my husband and wanted to be hugged constantly. He couldn't take it away though.
I prayed for peace and searched God's word for encouragement.
I called my mom, while my son was sleeping, and immediately poured out my heart to her, along with buckets of tears. She helped me see that I likely had postpartum depression and kindly prayed with me and said she'd go the doctors with me. I went that week and was pleasantly understood and helped with kind words, prayers, and a prescription for an anxiety medication. (I love my family doctor!) I took the medication for 8 months.
I could laugh again! I hadn't realized that I had stifled happiness so much. My bad dreams went away and my home no longer felt like the stage of a horror film. I praise God for helping me through. I'm also thankful I went through it. It opened my eyes to what people with depression deal with every single day. It's okay to be scared sometimes, but I don't need to be scared. I have a wonderful in-measurable God who is constantly there for me.
The last verse of "Great is Thy Faithfulness," has been an awesome comfort to me. We memorized this hymn in school, which I'm very thankful for.
"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!"
Rachel
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